me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
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You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.