Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
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Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?