My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
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Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.