Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
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Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John