Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
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Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.