The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Living the best life.. 😊
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
My patience has stretch marks.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.