*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
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people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Always the camel, never the toe.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”