casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
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Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
technically true but not a great slogan
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time