If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
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Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!