@sonictyrant
@AnniemuMary Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
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@AnniemuMary 
@musicntats Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
@HomeWithPeanut My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
@Erin1137 I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
@RocketRankoon *GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
@countrybredred I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
@permawedgie 99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
@XplodingUnicorn [breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
@SardonicTart How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
@Chhapiness Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?