If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

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Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.


Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.


My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.


I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street


*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold


[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.


How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.


Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?