the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
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If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Flock of bats
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance