[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
You Might Also Like
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Nothing to do, you say?
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today