my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
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Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Meeeee too!
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover