I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
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the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
shut up and take my money
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break