I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
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It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.