Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
You Might Also Like
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”