If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
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Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Huge, if true.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
#MeanwhileInCanada
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉