I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
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every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
The little toadstool has spoken.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕