Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
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“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Leonardo DiCaprisun
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
the clam before the storm
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”