Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?