Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?