Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army