Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
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last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
dogs can find happiness so easily
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked