Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
#titanic
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be