Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
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I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.