No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
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The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
*jingles half the way*
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.