Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
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Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.