Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
You Might Also Like
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Nose
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.