6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
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One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
OKAY DAD
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I would like even faster food.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail