I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
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Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Thursday
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish