This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
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My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
The pen is writier than the sword.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.