(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
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Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I’d hang this in my house.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers