My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
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WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
“Great, now I have to pee.”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point