When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
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Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
shit just got real
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*