God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
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Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter