So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My kitchen overserved me.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.