Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
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If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.