No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
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It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
If you know, you know
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.