A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
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[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow