shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
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First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?