superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
You Might Also Like
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.