Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
You Might Also Like
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.