*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
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what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Dear Lord..
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror