Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
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nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I can also cook 😂
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
all that yoga finally paid off
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Fluff me with a fork baby
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.