Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
You Might Also Like
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
There’s never enough good news
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.