Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
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Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*