Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay