Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
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You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Trumpy Cat
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.