Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
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Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*