I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
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My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.