Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
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business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us