My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
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No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
You deplete me
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.